From pathetic and miserable to coping, in 2 days

Warning, don't read this if you're squeamish.

First night after surgery, not exactly a great night. The speed has worn off, reality is kicking in. The reality of, why did I decide to put myself through this?

Manage to sleep max 1 hr at a time, being observed every 2 hrs anyway - blood pressure, temperature, funny little bleepy thing on my finger, must be heart rate. Narcotics every 4 hrs, antibiotics squirted into drip every 6 hrs. This is almost as painful as my hip - feels like my hand and lower arm is going to explode in flames. Apparently they've inserted the canula in my wrist into a thin vein hence the pain when pumping fluid through. Great, as if I don't have enough pain already. Got to have 6 of these bastards I the next 2 days.

The morning comes, some breakfast - 1 slice of toast and cereal. I manage to eat the toast. Feeling aweful, stressed, frustrated, why did I do this to myself? Later on I will explain why - but right now I am regretting it.

Break down in tears. Not really like me to do that. I tell myself off for being so pathetic. I get more teary, it appears to be uncontrollable. Finally I bring myself under control.

Then it's bed bath time - lovely, just what I wanted when feeling pathetic and miserable. I have a bed frame to keep the sheets and blankets off my feet. The orderly helping the nurse tries to remove the frame, it appears to be stuck on something. In her head she must have thought "I know, I'll just yank it out"

"FUUUUUUUCK. Fucking hell, what are you doing!!!? Fuck....fuck....fuck" The nurse comes running, the orderly disappears sheepishly. Very stressed now. More from the shock of it. The nurse tries to calm me down. I'm more angry at the orderly's carelessness than any pain I'm in. I get a bit teary again from the stress of it, but quickly calm down. I need to keep calm, stress will not help.

The physio comes round, "we're going to get you out of bed and up on your feet today." "Erm, I don't think so lady." No choice, I'm getting up. Unfortunately I've not long had a small lunch - you'll realise why later. The orderly (not the same one thankfully!) is one side if the bed, the physio the other. She assures me she has full support of my leg, I grab the overhead triangle bar to pull myself up - deep breathes. Using both arms, slowly slide myself to the edge of the bed - more deep breathes. Heart is racing - I feel like I'm made of porcelain and will shatter in an instant. More deep breathes - I look like a pregnant woman giving birth, you see it in the movies, lots of quick breathes in anticipation to lots of pain. Full weight on good leg. 1, 2, 3 stand! Whoah, oh fuck, feeling dizzy but feels good to know I've done it. Really feeling dizzy now. That's it for today, ease back into bed. Feeling nauseous. Trying to not let it get the best of me. I hate being sick. Well no one enjoys it. But I almost fear it. Mouth is watering, they have a bowl at the ready. Bluuuuuuggghhhhhh hello toast, hello lunch, plus at least about 1 litre of water. Despite hating being sick it felt so good once it was out. They assure me it's normal. Stress, pain, dizzyness from laying down for 24hrs, the narcotics - all will cause sickness.

Sebbles then arrives. He doesn't cope well with sick people. My face must be a picture of miserableness. My anesthetist pops by. He tells me it was a complicated surgery but my surgeon will explain more. He has authorised more narcotics (called Endone, tablet form rather than morphene injections). Yay, I need them!

Dinner arrives, I force down a bread roll and some ice cream. Seb can eat the rest. I'm due for some more Endone, nurse says I've exceeded my daily amount and she can't give me anymore just yet. "but Dr Nick authorised it, he said 3 every 4 hrs, what do you mean I have exceeded my dose already?". I'm getting stressed again. The thought of no pain relief till midnight (it's only 7pm) freaks me out. Nurse assures me she will call my surgeon. The surgeon arrives, he says "look at her, she's young, she's robust and she's alert. We can't have her in pain - 3 Endone every 4 hours if she wants them". Phew, thanks doc, although less of the robust.

He stops long enough to explain to Seb and I what happened during the surgery. Basically I had no hip socket to cement the ceramic cup to. So he had to build one out of nuts, bolts and other hardware. "oh" I say "so that's why I needed the surgery". "A standard hip replacement takes 1-1.5 hrs. Your's took 3.5 hrs". And to get my length back he's stretched the muscles in my thigh by 3 cms. That's why I am experiencing more pain than most hip op patients. He concludes with telling me he's very happy with the result, he says I will be too.

Time for Seb to leave. He looks almost as stressed as I do. Poor old bugger, I doubt he'll ever read this, he doesn't cope well.

I grin and bear through watching some TV, then try to settle for another night of miserableness. And the damn leg compression machine (to prevent deep vein thrombosis) buzzes constantly. It's driving me mad!

It's 3am and I'm due for another dose of antibiotic. I'm dreading it. I whinge to the nurse how much it's been hurting. She takes pity and says she can feed it through my drip instead. It takes about 20 mins to drip through, I can feel it but it's not painful. She also changes the leg compressor machine to one that runs silent. I like this nurse! I manage to get 2.5 hrs sleep in one go - magic, I awake 5.30 am with almost no pain and feeling at least 50% better. That's a big improvement.

That day was a better day. All my tubes are removed, except the catheter. I freaked out about the catheter before but I'm so glad I've got it. With the amount of fluid I've had both orally and through the drip the prospect of having to raise myself onto a bed pan several times a day would have scared the crap out of me - I probably would have wet the bed! It's a funny thing, having no sensation to pee but seeing them empty about two big jugs per day! It just freely flows out. No poos yet, hopefully I'll be capable of going to the toilet by the time I need to go. For those that know me reading this we've just become so much closer in our relationship!

The physio came again. Time to walk! Slide off the bed, lots of giving birth type breathes, 1, 2, 3 stand up! Not dizzy yet so let's go walking! I'm of course using a frame on wheels. Slide frame forward, step with bad leg, take 50% weight through the arms, then good leg steps, start all over again. Made it about 10 metres in total. I'm allowed to sit in the chair for a while. It's good to be upright. Feeling dizzy, feel dizzy for about an hour, am desperately trying to fight it off. Uh-oh, where's the nurse call button - push, push, push. Nurse, get me a bowl -NOW!! Bluuuuuuggghhhhhh. Just as she thrusts the bowl in front of me. Two seconds later and I would have been covered in it. Lunch arrives, needless to say I don't fancy any.

Four hours later I have to go back to bed, but not before she insists on another walk. This time I probably manage 15-20 metres. My physio is all sunshine and lollipops. Kind of annoying but it is nice to hear the positivity in her voice as I huff and puff my way through it.

Sebby arrives. We play scrabble. He wins by a mere 4 points and conveniently forgets I gave him a 16 point word score by suggesting he puts his letter 'A' in front of the word 'voids' already on the board. He still thinks he's a winner. Boys.